Weakness

This morning I ate 120calories

and i feel like murdering my self.

ana wants to murder me for my weakness.

I want to murder me so badly for my weakness.

but I won't. I'll work it all off today at the gym, ill cause my body the pain it deserves

for tricking me into thinking IT has control. I have the control for a perfect body

a perfect soul.

I pop my pills one by one throughout the day,

count them.. one two three four five six seven eight

all in a day

plus a few more, I count on these to cope.

some are my diet pills, some are my skin pills, and some are whatever I need at that minute.

there's a bottle of water in my hand

and every day I pray that ana takes a bite out of my flesh

and every day that i take control

thats exactly what happens.

I love you so much ana

So today is the day after my seventeenth birthday and im considering leaving my family, my mom found a bottle in my room, she's in alcoholics anonymous and she told my older sister she was gonna drink it. My older sister dumped it down the drain, and i called my mom and she's convinced im turning her back into an alcoholic, yet she says I'm the one who needs to go to alcoholics anonymous. She hasn't been to a meeting in years and years. I am not an alcoholic. I hardly ever drink, yet I am at fault for turning her back into an alcoholic. next thing she does? calls my godmother and tells her I have a problem, probably told all her friends i'm the fucked up daughter, who smokes a bunch of pot and drinks and got kicked out of school. She smokes more pot than I do. So if I fuck up in school again, I'm leaving. going to Sholo, Arizona and starting a new life.

In other news its been a few days since i've eaten. and im losing around 3-4 pounds a day. how you ask? I take two different diet pills and i drink literally around 12 bottles of water a day. drinking water helps your liver to work better which makes you lose weight quicker, the diet pills i take are called, Mega-T green tea dietary supplement and Chromium Picolinate. I started losing a lot more with the Chromium, it works a lot better than the Mega-T, but I continue to take both.

I'm at my dads so i dont have my pipe.. I cant smoke because of this, but I want to so badly. A clear head for me equals depressed as fuck, if I had a job i'd leave in two months time to Arizona, but I dont. so hopefully I get one soon so I can save up to get the hell out of here. I hate you new mexico, you ruined my life. I don't want to ever come back.

My heart goes out to all of you.

love Katy

July'10

Today I told a close friend of mine about something i'm worried about. That thing is that I may have a stomach ulcer from purging. I've been noticing blood in my vomit, and I'm having really intense abdominal pain, it makes me scared, but getting the food out of my system seems more important to me. She wasn't angry with me, she said she'd be there for me, but she thinks i should see a doctor and i don't want to because it puts me at risk for people finding out about my ednos and finding the thc hiding in my system, On top of purging and fasting I take diet pills and exercise regularly. A friend of mine is trying to get me closer to God, and he doesn't understand the way I live my life. I smoke a few bowls daily, and he thinks it should be easier for me to quit, but it isn't. being sober is painful for me, I've given so much damage to myself. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. and im scared to face what i am when im not fogged up in my own world.

Sometimes I'm awake and I just don't want to sleep

Most times I'm alive and I just don't want to eat. Other times I'm high and I can't stop myself from eating, so I stick some fingers down my throat.. And Every time that i'm awake, alive, and high, I dream about the days I die in my sober nothing but bones. Sometimes I wonder if this is how everyone else lives their lives? hating their bodies, hurting their organs, intoxicating their minds. to save themselves from... pain? isn't that what I'm doing here? saving myself from the pain, but i guess you could say im saving myself from ignorance. because if i were truly ignorant i'd be okay with the fat that covers my bones, happy with the situations i live in, and every night i'd be asleep by ten o'clock. but instead, i hate the fat that covers my perfect bones, i smoke to fog the situation i'm in and i'm awake now aren't i?
I never thought I'd see the day where I would yell at my mother.
and blame her for my problems.
I swear mom I love you, and it scares me that I exhibit the exact behaviors you had as a child.
I think thats what accounts for my hostile actions
the fear that i'll be asking my daughter the same questions every few minutes
because i wont remember the answer she gave me minutes before
I'm scared mom, that you are me
I want to take care of you but as long as its not me im really taking care of
because I want you to be happy mom