today is a pessimistic day. Halloween is coming, creeping nearer. I have to be okay by then. I have work at 5 tonight, and a friend is tutoring me, but i plan on hitting the gym for a few hours and then going to my friends party. there really isn't much to say other than that. I am tired.

9/11

last week i made the decision that I hate my life and choose to go with something I love. Only I know what that is, and I don't feel the need to be blunt about it.

Today is my dad's birthday party. I know he's having cake and ice cream at it. So I decided to restrict more so than usual because I can't say no to the cake or he'll know something is up and that I'm falling back into my weakness (or strength, depending on how you look at it). I've eaten 150 calories today. I figure the dinner will cover the rest. I'm going to get as small a piece I can get away with. Either way, I estimate the calories between 200-400. So I'm counting it as 400. Even if the piece is just a slither, I'm sure it must be dense because its a gourmet cake. Mocha Breslin from Le Chantille. There are layers. I made a salad for tonight, that will be dinner. I've had to miss the gym the last two days because of work, but tomorrow night I'll make up for it. I need to reach 95. That's a healthy weight for my bone structure. It's nothing compared to the 78 pound girl I used to be, but I can get away with 95. I know I only want to lose weight because I am unhappy and stressed, but the conscious knowledge doesn't change anything. Last year I thought it was about weight, now I know better, but I don't care. Ana is the best coping mechanism I've ever had and I plan on welcoming her firm, but caring self, back into my life, no reserves.

what could I be

I can't go to sleep.

I can't forgive myself for the new plague I've created for myself

called recovery.

called weakness.

called fat.

OUT. OF. CONTROL.

The only thing I have left is counting.

what is food

but a number

what is drink

but a number

what is a swallow

but a handful of guilt

and pain

and regret

and hate

hate for the massive mirrors that prove

what I have done.

recovery.

is it weakness

is it worth the pain

I should've died

and I never cried, over that

I cried over the cheese the nurses made me eat

the breads down in my stomach, I was forced to keep

down. down. down.

like my mind, like my mood, as low as my feet.

up. up. up.

scale numbers climbed. caloric levels climbed.

til I became this mess of a person

this SLOB of a person.

Is this ed? or is this me

Shroomin drunk ana

today i would like to start out by saying that I am proud of myself. If you know anything about anorexia, there are many foods knows as safe foods and others known as fear foods. My biggest fear foods are usually carbs, the obvious ones, like bread, pasta, rice, grains, etc., The reason behind this fear is that a lot of people on my dad's side of the family have diabetes and they used to talk about how terrible carbs are for you. They've just been the designated evil food since an early age. Along with those I have a fear for fats. That is probably just because the name was an obvious NO to me. So, today at lunch I made a sandwich. It had veggie burger, mustard lettuce, and crackers inside of it, and I thought to myself, this is a bland sandwich, so I added in a tiny bit of avacado! willingly! This is craziness, but im so proud. I've been away from my scale for a few days.. so we will see how I feel about what I did today when we reunite.

Last night I was pretty drunk, but I found that I can drink a lot more alcohol when I constantly down water with it. I was a bit depressed. I'm scared for my future, and I am very alone, in the romantic sense. there is a boy, a man rather, that I like. I respect him so much. he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't do drugs; most importantly though, he doesn't hate on me for my choices. He is joining the military, which I find incredibly sexy. People jokingly say "girls love a man in uniform" but you know what? this is completely true for me. I'm scared for him. I told him to write me as often as possible and he said he would but each reply to each other has to be at least one word longer. That's such an interesting thing to say.

On Thursday I'm going for a hike with a couple friends and we're going to shroom by a waterfall I know of. It's going to be very fun. Or let's hope so! my last shrooming experience was halfway fun. then I managed to sit myself in front of a mirror for 3 hours straight just watching myself. watching the disgusting lump of a person I see every time I cross paths with myself through these mirrors. Luckily though there will be no mirrors in the mountains. HOPEFULLY.

graduation trigger

Yesterday I went to a couple graduation parties. At the first one, I had to leave early because I stepped on a bee, which stung me, and I'm allergic. I left to go to urgent care and they were closed! so I just went home, popped a benadryl and I literally fainted, passed out, hit the floor! with a slight detour of contact between my head and a table, but after I regained consciousness I was completely fine, so I left my house for another party. There was lots of food, and at first I was scared; I avoided it, but my sister and friends know about my anorexia, so they stared and I knew if I didn't get something they'd be upset with me. So I got some roasted potatoes, salad, and vegetarian baked beans. I ate them and they were good, I do like food now, but eating in front of people is really hard for me at times. a couple hours later I even ate a piece of cake, although I did shave most of the icing off of it, it was good. When I got home, I started to freak out a bit, I started to shake, I started to cry, so I exercised for thirty minutes. I am recovered. but ED creeps up on me some days, tries to pull me back down. I think what triggered me was that I should've graduated that same friday, but I didn't because I was out of school for four months. The reason behind missing that school was my hospitalizations. caused by Anorexia. So why would that trigger me? I missed out on graduating because I got sick, so why not get sick again? makes perfect sense right? no. Today I speak with a clear head and I know I am okay.

Wow, It has been a very long time since I even saw this page. I had forgotten I ever made it. I was hospitalized for anorexia. Twice. 4 different treatment plans since october. I feel so different now. these posts from before, they're just not like me anymore. I'm an entirely different person. I'm turning 18 very soon now, and what do I think of my eating disorder? I think its an eating disorder. I'm not happy its there. I dont want it but at the same time I will never let go of it. not that it would ever try and leave me. I'll always hear you ana. So here's what happened. I tried outpatient in october, and it did nothing. I dropped to 83 lbs and got hospitalized. gained to 95 then left, relapsed, lost to 78 lbs. my heart rate was 25. extremely dangerous. It doesnt even phase me that I was about to die. I even look back and think I felt great, I was hospitalized again. I was so angry, I had told my dad what I was doing myself, I was going to take care of business, but then I got the stomach flu, had to go to the hospital. they checked me in and back into a recovery center. I was in the ER for a couple days, then the ICU, then the recovery center eighth floor for a couple weeks, then the inpatient program, now im in IOP. weird world this is. weird perosn I am. My hair has gone through a transformation, it decided to be natural again. I'm blonde. and I wont have to dye my hair ever again. How weird has my life been?

quite

Weakness

This morning I ate 120calories

and i feel like murdering my self.

ana wants to murder me for my weakness.

I want to murder me so badly for my weakness.

but I won't. I'll work it all off today at the gym, ill cause my body the pain it deserves

for tricking me into thinking IT has control. I have the control for a perfect body

a perfect soul.

I pop my pills one by one throughout the day,

count them.. one two three four five six seven eight

all in a day

plus a few more, I count on these to cope.

some are my diet pills, some are my skin pills, and some are whatever I need at that minute.

there's a bottle of water in my hand

and every day I pray that ana takes a bite out of my flesh

and every day that i take control

thats exactly what happens.

I love you so much ana