Shroomin drunk ana

today i would like to start out by saying that I am proud of myself. If you know anything about anorexia, there are many foods knows as safe foods and others known as fear foods. My biggest fear foods are usually carbs, the obvious ones, like bread, pasta, rice, grains, etc., The reason behind this fear is that a lot of people on my dad's side of the family have diabetes and they used to talk about how terrible carbs are for you. They've just been the designated evil food since an early age. Along with those I have a fear for fats. That is probably just because the name was an obvious NO to me. So, today at lunch I made a sandwich. It had veggie burger, mustard lettuce, and crackers inside of it, and I thought to myself, this is a bland sandwich, so I added in a tiny bit of avacado! willingly! This is craziness, but im so proud. I've been away from my scale for a few days.. so we will see how I feel about what I did today when we reunite.

Last night I was pretty drunk, but I found that I can drink a lot more alcohol when I constantly down water with it. I was a bit depressed. I'm scared for my future, and I am very alone, in the romantic sense. there is a boy, a man rather, that I like. I respect him so much. he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't do drugs; most importantly though, he doesn't hate on me for my choices. He is joining the military, which I find incredibly sexy. People jokingly say "girls love a man in uniform" but you know what? this is completely true for me. I'm scared for him. I told him to write me as often as possible and he said he would but each reply to each other has to be at least one word longer. That's such an interesting thing to say.

On Thursday I'm going for a hike with a couple friends and we're going to shroom by a waterfall I know of. It's going to be very fun. Or let's hope so! my last shrooming experience was halfway fun. then I managed to sit myself in front of a mirror for 3 hours straight just watching myself. watching the disgusting lump of a person I see every time I cross paths with myself through these mirrors. Luckily though there will be no mirrors in the mountains. HOPEFULLY.