today is a pessimistic day. Halloween is coming, creeping nearer. I have to be okay by then. I have work at 5 tonight, and a friend is tutoring me, but i plan on hitting the gym for a few hours and then going to my friends party. there really isn't much to say other than that. I am tired.

9/11

last week i made the decision that I hate my life and choose to go with something I love. Only I know what that is, and I don't feel the need to be blunt about it.

Today is my dad's birthday party. I know he's having cake and ice cream at it. So I decided to restrict more so than usual because I can't say no to the cake or he'll know something is up and that I'm falling back into my weakness (or strength, depending on how you look at it). I've eaten 150 calories today. I figure the dinner will cover the rest. I'm going to get as small a piece I can get away with. Either way, I estimate the calories between 200-400. So I'm counting it as 400. Even if the piece is just a slither, I'm sure it must be dense because its a gourmet cake. Mocha Breslin from Le Chantille. There are layers. I made a salad for tonight, that will be dinner. I've had to miss the gym the last two days because of work, but tomorrow night I'll make up for it. I need to reach 95. That's a healthy weight for my bone structure. It's nothing compared to the 78 pound girl I used to be, but I can get away with 95. I know I only want to lose weight because I am unhappy and stressed, but the conscious knowledge doesn't change anything. Last year I thought it was about weight, now I know better, but I don't care. Ana is the best coping mechanism I've ever had and I plan on welcoming her firm, but caring self, back into my life, no reserves.